Choosing the right words will trigger the right response 

By Reem Bakheet

“I HATE the sea,” 10-year-old *Abdullah exclaimed when I was training him and a group of kids swimming. I was actually gauging their emotional intelligence more than just swimming – it was about tapping into how they feel before, during and after getting into the water.

I wanted them to get in touch with their inner feelings and describe them aptly. “The water is so salty and comes inside my eyes – I hate that,” he told me. And when I told them it was time to get back into the water, he was perfectly aboard much to my surprise. Hate is a strong word. I wondered if he absolutely loathes the sea, which is what he stated earlier, then why is he suddenly okay with going back in?

I decided to try out an emotional intelligence experiment. I laid out a bunch of cards with various adjectives written on them to describe one’s feelings such as sad, annoyed, frustrated, upset, excited, bored, etc.

Abdullah laid his finger on ‘annoyed.’ He said I feel annoyed by the saltiness of the water. When you ask the right question with the correct terminology or vocabulary, you will get the right answer – and so will the subject. He himself didn’t realize that he didn’t despise the sea, but was just annoyed by its saltiness.

I explained to him that he doesn’t ‘hate’ the sea, he’s just ‘annoyed’ by it – there’s a massive difference. As a parent, teacher or mentor, or just as an adult, it is our responsibility to teach children the importance of choosing the correct words.

There are probably around 3,000 words in the English vocabulary which are used every day to describe our emotions so I’m sure there are about double or more in Arabic. Why don’t we use them? We probably just use five or six of the basic (yet very strong) ones such as hate, love, disgusted, sad and mad. Why are we not using more descriptive and appropriate terms?

Using the right vocabulary will make a colossal difference and it is our responsibility to use and implement them in our daily lives as children ultimately learn from us.

Emotions motivate our actions and learning how to express them is of utmost importance. We will begin to understand each other on a different level when we are able to do this.

I strongly believe in the proverb, ‘Name it to tame it.’ We must teach our children to effectively navigate our emotions and express them with the right vocabulary. If I’m angry, I should say it out loud – and when I hear myself say it, I will believe it and accept it. And once you accept it, you can tame it.

The change will begin at home. As an adult, I need to learn the right vocabulary and I need to use it, and ultimately teach it to my children.

Another distressing example of this notion was when I took my five-year-old granddaughter Sophia to a seminar that was taking place in regards to emotional intelligence. The question she was asked was: Are you being bullied in school? And before I could even turn and look at her, she exclaimed: Yes! There’s a boy in my class who always pushes me.

I just sat there in shock and despair. I share a very close bond with my grandchildren and I talk to them every day about what they did in school, how their day was, who their friends are, etc. and this never came up.

I realized in that moment that I never asked her the right question – are you being bullied. The right questions with the correct terminology will always trigger the right answers, and we all need to understand and implement this. Our children are fragile and we need to provide them with a platform where they can fearlessly come and talk to us about their inner feelings and emotions.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.